Holy Hell

Acting Journal
2/11/11

Oh f*ck I can't even move. This acting class ruined me emotionally. I've just learned so much, my body is rejecting it. I'm shaking.


Zeke had another seizure within the first 5 minutes of class. The paramedics came and took him away, and Layla had to leave because she was so shaken up. I still had to do my scene. I was ridiculously unnerved even before starting. All the exercises Ivan had us do to calm us down only made me more worried. The more time I had away from my script the more I freaked out. I was pitting out.

It was so hard to get in front of the class and do such an intense, aggressive, emotional scene. I didn't realize. I thought I had done classwork before but not like that. Being chastized and corrected, growing, learning, having a moment in front of my peers is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

He got on me for not specifying my line:

"I've seen pretty girls ruined. Handsome guys, just like the greatest guys, destroyed. Sometimes I feel like I'm on a force march. We all started out together and then people started dropping"

I visualized who that pretty girl was, and how she was ruined. She must have been my friend or someone I thought had a bright future. I named her Jeanette. I did the same with the handsome guy. David. Going over that line with a clear intention of what I'm saying made all the difference. I could see it on my classmate's faces.

We performed when Fred throws me to the ground and gets on top of me and threatens to punch me in the face. Ivan taught us how to fall correctly. It's important to do physical things correctly. Doing 8 shows a week would really jusr destroy whatever part of your body you were incorrectly hitting the ground with.

There was a moment when Fred is all up in my business. He's like a foot taller than me and if he wanted to get aggresive he would absolutely take me down. I broke character because I needed a line, but right before that I guess I moved my foot back. It spoke volumes about my instincts and my tendency to flee difficult situations. Just little tiny changes in posture can ruin or make a scene.

The weight of everything pushed upon me today is just too much. I'm going to go in the bathroom and have a breakdown to let it all out.